In this edition of This is Your Game, I’ll be discussing the grand daddy of gaming characters; namely, Pac-Man. When it comes to the most iconic and influential gaming characters of all time, Mr P. Man is always one of the first names to come to mind. After all, he was the first, the innovator, the original and the forefather. If gaming was a religion (it should be), then Pac-Man would be, if not God himself, at least a major prophet.
Before Pac-Man came along in 1980, games were lacking in protagonists. The most popular games of the time were titles, such as Pong, Asteroids and Space Invaders. Although iconic in their own rights, there was no leading character to invest in. People needed a hero and Pac-Man delivered. Gamers were suddenly presented with a floating yellow pie chart, navigating his way through mazes, in an attempt to take all the drugs in the world, while simultaneously attempting to escape the demons that could ultimately become his undoing, should he stumble or take a wrong turn in his journey. In many ways, Pac-Man represented the 1980s mentality. He was the original yuppy; constantly off his face and over-compensating for his ever-increasing problems. Had John Beluci been a video game character, he would’ve been Pac-Man; a bloated, loud, drug-addled mess. However, Pac-Man didn’t die young. Pac-Man lived on. He survived the 80s and went on to remain a functioning addict for another two decades. Do you ever look at the Rolling Stones and wonder how they’re still alive? Well, that’s what they wonder when they play Pac-Man. It’s widely-known that Pac-Man was Keith Richards’ main supplier in the late 80s.
For these reasons, I feel that Pac-Man deserves to be recognised by Mouse n Joypad, for his substantial influence on and contribution to video games, by being presented with a This is Your Game prize. I recently travelled to London’s glittering West End, to meet Pac-Man, discuss his colourful life in gaming and present him with his all-important accolade.
I met Mr Man at his palatial home in Charing Cross. I was immediately thrilled to learn that he lives an environmentally friendly lifestyle. His home is made entirely from cardboard and Mr Man has made fantastic use of available space, by chosing to have his home built in the the doorway of Boots. Pac-Man looked happy to have a guest and welcomed me into his lovely home. However, the overwhelming stench of faeces and urine caused me to politely decline and instead suggested we sat outside, in the fresh air.
Hi, Pac-Man. Thanks for taking time from your busy schedule to talk to me today. How are you?
Who are you?
It’s Trevor, from Mouse n Joypad. We spoke earlier. In fact, I’ve been here for an hour and we’ve been talking since then
Do you think you’re funny, pal? Do you think you’re better than me? I’ll knock you out, son.
There’s really no need. Don’t you remember? We talked about how important your story is and I came to give you an award.
You’re my friend, aren’t you?
Erm, yes.
We’re best friends. You’re the only one who understands me. We should start a business. Let’s open a pub! It won’t be like all these rubbish ones; A proper one. It’s not the booze talking. We’ll definitely do it, one hundred percent, mate.
Let’s talk about that later.
Do you want a sip of this?
What is it?
It’s a spirit.
What sort of spirit?
White.
No, thank you. So, moving on, tell me about how you first got into gaming.
YOU WEREN’T THERE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE! (Sobs).
Oh, are you OK?
Hahaha, I was the KING. (Starts singing).
Erm. You’ve had a big influence on the gaming industry. How does your legacy make you feel?
Legacy? I’ve still got it, you know. Look. (Begins running in small circles and proceeds to fall over).
Yes, that’s very impressive.
Who are you?
Trevor. We were talking about your career.
I know your game, pal. I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at my woman. Get away from her!
What woman?
This one (proceeds to pick up an empty carrier bag, containing a turd and a paper clip).
Oh. Well, erm, she looks lovely but I know the boundaries. I promise not to try anything.
ARE YOU SAYING SHE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, PAL?
No, she’s gorgeous.
WHAT? (Begins to vomit into the bag).
Are you OK?
Trevor, I’m sorry. Really, I am. I know what I am. I know what I’ve become. It hurts me every day to think what my life could’ve been. I made millions from being a drug addict. It’s crazy, isn’t it? It’s all gone, though. I’ve got nothing left. Trevor, seriously, look at me. Don’t take drugs, please. (Takes another drink).
I, I don’t know what to say.
Who are you?
It’s…never mind. Here, have this. Pac-Man, This is Your Game.
With that, Pac-Man was gone. He snatched the award from my hand and ran away into the distance. I tried to catch him but to no avail. Pac-Man is a shadow of his former self but, damn, that stinking tramp has still got it.
